I love this part of the day. From about 7:45 am to 8:15 am. I am early for work but just finished making my way through the insane amount of traffic. The peak time requires my focus and revs up my anxiety to a level I’d prefer not to reach on any given day let alone every day. So following this time I go to the park near the office and sit in my car with the windows down and write as the silence fills the car and the world seemingly quiets for a brief moment in time. It’s the absolute best way to begin the work day. The calm after the chaos, and before the next round of chaos ensues. I gather my thoughts and prepare for the day. I have word vomit for about twenty minutes, and my day just isn’t the same if I miss it. I started this habit shortly after a big life moment that challenged my daily life routine. It was pointed out to me that I had stopped doing the things I love. It had all come to a halt. But for me, writing is like breathing, I need it in order to survive. I’ve found a way to give it to myself and if I miss it, I take my laptop on my lunch and give myself that allotted time to give some of these thoughts life. Because I’ve learned the hard way that living for other people and things only hurt us in the long run. So whatever it may be for you, going for a walk, getting in one episode of your favorite show, whatever entices your soul and feeds it a little bit of magic to fuel you forward; do it. And do not let anyone keep you from it.
There's been so much going on recently that now with all the hype winding down, so am I. I'm the type of person that feels, feels very deeply. In the last week alone we had the anniversary of my grandmother's death, the draft & my brother getting drafted by the MLB, celebrating that with all sides of the family, my cousin's high school graduation, & today a year ago we buried my grandmother and today my brother left four Houston to start his professional baseball career. It may sound like a lot, or not much at all, but the emotion was a lot. I am officially depleted of all range of emotion from joy to anxiety and sadness and devastation to happiness all over again.
I have so many words, thoughts, and feelings that I really do not know which direction to take this. Do I honor my grandma and speak of the pain and heartbreak I still feel everyday? Do I continue to celebrate my brother and praise him? Do I selfishly acknowledge my notice of feeling as if the entire world is turning around me and all these things are happening for everyone else as I stand firm, being left behind. While all at the same time, I could speak of how inspired I am at the same time by all of the things taking place. I think instead I will keep it short and simple.
To my grandma, I cannot comprehend how this earth has taken an entire trip round the sun without you but also felt like it hasn't moved for a second. To you, I love you, I miss you, & I just can't believe you aren't here for all of it. I could write a million words to tell you all you've missed, but instead I'll believe you got to witness it all.
To my brother, thanks to you I've gotten to witness one of the most rare, yet everyday moments in a lifetime. A dream come true. Live it, own it, and keep dreaming. You inspire me to re-focus and hone in on my dreams. Nothing is out of reach, even on the days it feels as if a dream is impossible. To my brother, I am so proud of the man you've become and are becoming. Your greatness speaks for itself.
To myself, stop comparing. Simply put yet arguably one of the hardest things. To myself, you are not failing though it feels that way. To myself, you are not too late, too old, too young, too little, or too much. You will find where you belong eventually. You will heal and you will rise again. In due time, in due time.
To time, slow down but also speed up. Let us savor the moment but bring us to the next one. Help us find a balance, a middle ground, and take off in the next year. To time, I am also so so grateful to have you. It's a process.
Morgan Rae Brown is a deep thinker that writes directly from her soul.