Where do we go when our thoughts need words but we do not want to breathe them to life? Where do we go when we feel we do not belong where we are currently located? When we don't fit in. When our intensity is discouraged. When our inner most thoughts are met with fear.
What do we do when we do not know what to do. How do we move forward, if that's even the correct direction? When we are left with only questions and no answers, life feels very defeating. But when we are down, this does not mean we are out. It's okay to carry on from the bottom until we can find a way to reach the top again. So long as we carry on, right? So they say; it's a process.
"Feel better!" they say. When you aren't feeling well both physically or mentally. I hope you feel better. I hope you get better soon! As if that will make a difference. A Hope. We put weight on that hope. Time goes on, as if it heals all wounds magically along the way. And then they ask if you feel better- you say, "I do!" Because you do in fact feel better. You feel better than you did before but does that have to imply that you’re better? You got out of bed today. You smiled a few times. You even laughed. And what is better anyway? We hear better and we think that person is okay. Okay. Great even. They’re better, right? Then we move on. That is, until we see that news article. Get that phone call. See the Facebook memorial posts, concerns, love. Or find them breathless ourselves. And we wonder, but they said they were better. What could have happened. Were they lying? How could they lie to us? They weren't better? But wait! They said they were feeling better than they had been, even insisted. Maybe that's in fact true, maybe they weren't lying at all. They were feeling better than they had been before, repeated again. But did you fail to see where the starting point was? Were you in the depths of that initial point to know that coming however far was still falling short? Better doesn't mean the agony had stopped, that the day isn't internally consumed in dancing with the darkness, begging it for light. That the pain has sufficed and only the joy and magic remains. It doesn't promise that they are no longer greeted with nightmares when they close their eyes. Better; in actuality pretty much tells you nothing. It does not tell you that the haunting has halted. That the shame has been wiped clean. It does not insinuate health or that a destination has been reached. "Better" is an assumption at best. And assumptions are the worst.
Lately I've been taking a deep look within. For specific reasonings and also just because. I realize that most of the time I am different. I am told and reminded of it constantly. I am belittled due to my outside the box thinking or approaches to things. I've learned to down myself before someone else has the chance to. Sort of as a disclaimer. I only realized this all in the last year. It is a huge struggle and I rarely notice it in the moment. But it's almost comical if it wasn't, because the typical response I get from people upon meeting or first knowing me is that I am intimidating, confident, self-assured. It continues to be a mystery on how I am perceived this way almost in all the moments where I feel 2ft tall.
I am learning that I am not an idiot. I am not stupid. I am not less than due to my thoughts, my life, or my words I think, feel, and say. I was browsing through songs to send to friends for my "Songs of the Day", because outside of writing, music is my healing place. If you think about it, music is just the written word brought to life. If only I could sing! don't worry, it doesn't stop me from trying in my jam sessions in my car. Anyway, back to the topic.
Stupid Girl by Jennifer Nettles popped up at the moment I needed it most. It puts to words how I feel and have felt. The first 3/4 and parts of now, my life has been about pleasing others, while at the same time going against the current. I've tried to please others with what seems like constant fail. I've hidden and muzzled my own ideas in pursuit of approval. When I try to place myself first without hiding that I am doing so, I am met with disagreement and disapproval. Where has this gotten me aside from in a hole?
I may be a "Stupid Girl" but I am me, and I am born to go against the social norms in various ways. I was born to take and share my gifts. I am learning that it's not always me that needs to be blamed or apologize. It's not always my fault. I do not need to give a disclaimer before sharing a passionate idea incase they hate it. Sharing my life in this written word format is not just my gift, it is now what I feel is my duty. My words may not have a bass or guitar with them like Jennifer Nettles so phenomenally does with this song, but if I could challenge someone who is putting themselves down inside and have it shift so deeply to allow me to believe I am not horrible person as she has done in a single song, man, I will not purposely hide my gifts any longer. I've vowed many times to be as transparent as I possibly can with my words and my life, and I am done with others opinions on the limits I should set with it.
I thank her for this song, for reaching me with it when I needed the reminder. I will remind everyone (myself included) that someone telling you you are unable to do something or that you're no good at it; those people aren't your people. Take the time you've been putting in to please your surrounding world and put it to good use by applying that effort toward your goals, dreams, and gifts. It's a true disservice to yourself and others to do any less than you are honestly capable of. But know that the world isn't going to adjust simply because you have. Do it anyway. It's a process.