We talk about those "aha!" moments, or moments of the clearest of clarity, eye opening, sometimes jaw dropping moments. I spoke of how often my days were filled with these seemingly one after another once they began happening. It was like once they started, a galaxy of a black hole opened up & was continuing to suck me through with realization after realization and no signs of slowing; until it did. Until it did.
I say this and I read back wondering if I depicted a positive or negative experience. To be clear, it was both. It was torturous in some, weight lifting in others. But what was important is that it was happening. I was torn wide open and knowledge, facts, truths, secrets; they all started pouring out faster than I could possibly bare. I couldn't keep up. With the feelings. The thoughts. The fear. The shame. The relief. The bone-crushing confusion. I wanted to run through the hurt, the pain and the agony. I've learned enough to know that we can try but we truthfully cannot run far or fast enough to escape anything we've processed into our heads. We can only bury a secret for so long. Nobody teaches us what to do or how to deal once we break open enough that the truths and secrets bleed out with the rest of it.
Nobody told me how to do it, they didn't want to. They all have been intent on making sure my healing and making my way through is my own. That I own my healing, I own this process because it truly is up to me to navigate my way through. They say "you've done this before." "you've come out the other side" "you're brave, strong, you'll find a way." "you'll rise as you always do." all great things and I thank everyone who has said them, but this is a different journey. This point and forward on requires a new language I've yet to speak. It demands the me that I am now, and the me that I am still approaching. It asks of me the me I have yet to become. This is where the confidence fades. This is where I am confused with my own armor, I've yet to wear it into battle. But I will find a language for this, I will speak, and I will grab this sword and helmet just incase, and I will rise.
No doubt in the work I've put in in these last months, & a recent conversation reminded me of it. There is a decision looming over my head, threatening to fall at any moment realistically soon. As I walk with my head up again, I see and appreciate the clouds, the sun and the moon. Though I see beauty again, I cannot ignore anymore that weight over my head. I see the scissors slowly gravitating toward the thin string that is the only thing holding air between it and my head.
I've had my first maybe "aha" moment since I've been home. It's safe to say many people avoid happiness because once they get it they think it'll be taken away and they'll be left devastated. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. We remain unhappy in fear of losing happiness, that we never reach it. Another is that we are too afraid of getting our heart broken that we just do not put it out there to begin with so that we cannot get hurt. Well, now you're alone and odds are feeling a different type of hurt.
Here's the thing. I do not and never have lived my life as this. I've always put my heart out there, unprotected. Because if I got hurt at least I knew I tried. I'd rather try and know than live with the what ifs and not at alls. I'm not afraid of happiness. I'm not afraid of losing something I have. Does that mean I want to though? Absolutely not.
So, In this "aha" moment, I realized that I hadn't hit a wall. I hadn't lost my way this quickly. I hadn't put walls back up. I wasn't being superficial because it was all I was capable of reaching. I wasn't avoiding in order to attempt to put off the inevitable. I wasn't losing anything I had gained. I see that weight above my head and instead of constantly acknowledging it, I decided to put it aside until I have to face it. I proactively decided to focus on the good in my life; there's so much of it. I didn't want to go down the rabbit hole, because so far every other time before, I have. This all isn't avoidance, it's growth. I had decided to appreciate the good in the moment and what is right in front of me. I am navigating my way through in a healthy & healthy-minded way. This path will look and feel different. It's okay to have both good and bad in life and live with both. It's called balance. We can have & dance in the happiness. We can have fears and anxieties about the future. We can look up and see the stars, but also that giant looming weight, and we don't have to feel it until we have to. Why add on anything until or if we have to at all?
To anyone who knows what the looming weight over my head represents knows they cannot convince me it won't fall even though they have their opinions based on facts, but that's a whole different thing! We all have that weight everyday, it just contains something different. We all handle it differently. Hell, I've handled my de-rails differently every time. The hope and the attempt is to this time be able to handle the blow in a different manner than ever before. As I've said, yes I've fought my battles. Justice in my life hasn't been delivered, but I continue to fight. One may say bravely, boldly, valiantly. Another may say stupidly, irresponsibly, carelessly. It's good thing I've been adding a new layer to my foundation each day. I also said that this will require a new language and a voice I've never used. Though it's up to me, I do not have to learn it alone. And when the weight falls, I'll handle it. Until then, but even when, I will still dance through my day, sing of my joys, and laugh with life as each day on the calendar turns. It's a process.