While I prefer to keep writing in third person to allow others to connect in their own way, I find myself writing in first person more and more. This shows progression as both a writer and a person. I no longer hide behind this screen and the words that bleed onto it. I own them, and that is a great victory.
I've been told I'm complicated. Complex. Too hard to figure out. Weird. Intense. Passionate. The list goes on. The common ground of all the things I am referred to as is that it is too much of something. More than the average. While I take it as a compliment and would rather be puzzling than simple-minded and an easy read, this causes waves in every relationship in my life across the entire spectrum. I will absolutely own that I am tough to figure out. But here's the thing. I am continuously evolving & growing. I struggle to keep up with myself, so how could I expect any one person to do more than I can of myself?
It's not about figuring someone out. With me, it's about acceptance. Accepting that I am a mess one day and a rock-star the next. Accepting that you don't always know what you're going to walk into but climbing into the car & buckling up for the ride regardless. I am a puzzle that is scrambled with a few missing pieces that also coincidentally came without the box. That's what it's like to be me. For so long I carefully and meticulously shared specific pieces with various people along my journey, not allowing any single person to view the whole picture. Nobody could even make out what the picture was going to be. Here's a secret, neither could I. But that's me. I am ever growing, so how can this image remain the same?
To know me is to know that I will cry over a tv show but not a traumatizing event in life. To know me is to know that my happy place is alone in nature but also in a crowded concert dancing til they kick me out. To know me is to know that I somehow manage to come across as the most confident person in the room unintentionally when if you looked closely my knees are shaking & I'm sweating profusely. To know me is to know that I am most likely nothing like what you will initially see. To see me is to know that the depths of my soul are not to be explored alone. To know me is to know that I've earned that light that beams from within on my good days. To know me is to know that I've not only sat in the darkest of nights, but lived there. But really, to know me is to know that I don't have it figured out yet. To know me is to know that I need reminders that it's okay to accept myself. To remind me that I am enough exactly how I am. To accept me is to know that I haven't quite accepted all of my past yet. To love me is something one may find hard to do; but others find it to be the easiest thing they've ever done. Accepting me helps me to accept myself; which is an excruciating process. I am a contradiction. A conflicted person. An exhausting person. A difficult person. A passionate person. A person with many walls still though countless have been torn down. I am also the opposite. I am compassionate and understanding. I am completely nonjudgmental. I'm also going to support and love you viciously and whole heartedly. You just have to understand that some days are more scrambled than others, and that I am just like everyone else, but also so very different. To know me is to know I haven't quite gotten there yet, but without a doubt I will. Be patient with me; it's a process.