Lately I've been taking a deep look within. For specific reasonings and also just because. I realize that most of the time I am different. I am told and reminded of it constantly. I am belittled due to my outside the box thinking or approaches to things. I've learned to down myself before someone else has the chance to. Sort of as a disclaimer. I only realized this all in the last year. It is a huge struggle and I rarely notice it in the moment. But it's almost comical if it wasn't, because the typical response I get from people upon meeting or first knowing me is that I am intimidating, confident, self-assured. It continues to be a mystery on how I am perceived this way almost in all the moments where I feel 2ft tall.
I am learning that I am not an idiot. I am not stupid. I am not less than due to my thoughts, my life, or my words I think, feel, and say. I was browsing through songs to send to friends for my "Songs of the Day", because outside of writing, music is my healing place. If you think about it, music is just the written word brought to life. If only I could sing! don't worry, it doesn't stop me from trying in my jam sessions in my car. Anyway, back to the topic.
Stupid Girl by Jennifer Nettles popped up at the moment I needed it most. It puts to words how I feel and have felt. The first 3/4 and parts of now, my life has been about pleasing others, while at the same time going against the current. I've tried to please others with what seems like constant fail. I've hidden and muzzled my own ideas in pursuit of approval. When I try to place myself first without hiding that I am doing so, I am met with disagreement and disapproval. Where has this gotten me aside from in a hole?
I may be a "Stupid Girl" but I am me, and I am born to go against the social norms in various ways. I was born to take and share my gifts. I am learning that it's not always me that needs to be blamed or apologize. It's not always my fault. I do not need to give a disclaimer before sharing a passionate idea incase they hate it. Sharing my life in this written word format is not just my gift, it is now what I feel is my duty. My words may not have a bass or guitar with them like Jennifer Nettles so phenomenally does with this song, but if I could challenge someone who is putting themselves down inside and have it shift so deeply to allow me to believe I am not horrible person as she has done in a single song, man, I will not purposely hide my gifts any longer. I've vowed many times to be as transparent as I possibly can with my words and my life, and I am done with others opinions on the limits I should set with it.
I thank her for this song, for reaching me with it when I needed the reminder. I will remind everyone (myself included) that someone telling you you are unable to do something or that you're no good at it; those people aren't your people. Take the time you've been putting in to please your surrounding world and put it to good use by applying that effort toward your goals, dreams, and gifts. It's a true disservice to yourself and others to do any less than you are honestly capable of. But know that the world isn't going to adjust simply because you have. Do it anyway. It's a process.