I've been pretty radio silent for quite a bit. I have not necessarily been at a loss for words, I just have been copiously experiencing the fact that our words- once written- can and most often will be used against us. I had chosen to take the path of stepping back and giving people nothing rather than anything that could bring petty satisfaction or the ability to have them twisted and turned so much so that it no longer sounded like me one bit; yet I was responsible for every letter of every word. Silence speaks its own language, so I've let it.
Something happens when we succumb to the norm that does not coincide with our own. Our soul fights to both get back in sync and stay there. Resistance has surrounded me. Resistance to my abilities, my attributes, and my competency at times. Within resistance lies fear. Fear of change. Fear of difference. Fear of any being in general.
Moving along. These last two years have both challenged and tested my being in every aspect imaginable. Mentally, spiritually, physically. I left an industry I had worked in for years with much confidence and a laundry list of accomplishments to do something different in hopes of something more. I said goodbye both figuratively and literally to some pretty terrible people as well as some of my favorites. Life threw me curves balls and grounders slamming up from the dirt in every direction. Thankfully I've been an athlete my entire life.
I do not break. I am not known to break. I do not allow anyone to break me. I am not someone that gives up, even if it looks like a losing battle- I will fight gloriously and smile all the while. This last year I didn't break; I shattered. At first I was ashamed, I felt like I had to hide and hide my struggles. I had broken due to things outside of my control. I shattered from events and people that took something from me that left me feeling incomplete, no longer whole. The emptiness grew vigorously. It took over and I convinced myself that it could not be fixed.
I miss myself. Well, the me I am trying to become. The me I was becoming. The me that halted. I came to such dead stop that it propelled me forward face first on the ground leaving me bruised and bleeding alone on the floor.
Here's what I've learned. These last two years have been bone crushing in such a contrastingly, distinctively different way that I am still now just realizing why I have been so perplexed to the point of frustration beyond belief. You don't even want to know the amount of things thrown at walls due to this. In the past two years I have stood up for both myself and others in a very strong way. But mostly, and most importantly- for myself. I've demanded accountability. I've sought out justice. I have ruthlessly time and time again brought awareness to multiple areas we sweep under the rug like the dirt beneath us. However, in reflection I keep going back to the colossal difference here that I am currently still bewildered at the fact that I missed it. I found my voice in these last two years. I dove into my verbiage and vocabulary in the way I am encompassed within a good book, though seeking words that could explain my feelings differently or at all. I have stood my ground, though mostly rocky at times, sometimes slippery, sometimes on my knees. I had demanded better for myself. I have stopped and said no, your behavior is unacceptable for me and my boundaries. My acceptable and your acceptable may be different but this is a main reason why boundaries exist in the first place.
If there are a couple things I can emphasize about the last two years they are as follows:
People do not take you seeking them taking accountability very well. They will not always respond how you hope or even anticipate. You may not always respond to that well either. None of us are perfect.
We can create and stick to our boundaries. However, free will allows others to choose not to respect them and stomp all over them. Voice when this happens (if you can do so safely), & remind them of what they are and how they crossed them.
Vocalize. Do not ignore red flags, go with your gut. You do not want to have a blanket made of red flags wrapping a broke heart later on.
Put yourself out there. Try new things and know you will fail; do so gracefully. Challenge yourself in these moments to take a step back and take responsibility for yourself and your own faults, but do not own someone else's out of fear of repercussion.
Walk away. Walk away and do not be afraid not to look back. Look back if you need to in order to learn from it.
Begin something new, you never know what could happen. I am on my way, and I am ready to be an unstoppable force again.
But most importantly, do not allow the unspeakable amount of injustice keep you from standing up for what is just.
We need you. Your world needs you. The world needs you. You need you.
11/19/2019 01:32:57 pm
None of us are perfect.
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