In life we can get hit pretty hard. We can think that we will stand right back up and move onward, but we don't. We may think we do, but we don't. I can attest to this. We fool ourselves long enough until we cannot do it for any longer. This is the part where it feels as if the sky is falling; it very well just may be. There's a time that we need to admit that no matter how strong we are, we need more help than we have available.
I am a person that fights my battles alone. I'll say I'm fine til I'm blue in the face & already 4ft into the grave. But who am I trying to fool? Me or you? I'm not entirely sure if that matters. We talk about trauma and how we are affected differently. We talk about how we all grieve differently. That there is no right or wrong way to deal, to process, to accept. So they say. What people forget is that the weight of these things are a job in itself. The fact that any of us are carrying on and doing anything else at all is a feat. What happens when we are so broken down that even that is just too much?
My soul is fierce. My soul craves joy, it demands to be filled with hope and passion. I’ve seen the magic in the world where others fail to even look. I breathe fire in my words as I speak them with intent. I see color where most others simply see grey. My soul is unlike any other, and that used to be encouraged and embraced. But my fire was extinguished. My soul has been suffocatingly stifled. Joy was stolen from me. I walk around in direct conflict with myself because my soul craves the opposite of who I currently am. Though now I question who I am, who I was, and who I can ever even be. I walk around exhausted due to this constant battle. I do not see the beauty around me anymore. I don’t feel the magic in the world. I do not know joy. My soul aches a dull, constant ache I, frankly put, feel dead, empty, and colorless inside. I am a human shell walking through wet cement trudging through the day. Hope has been absent.
This is what happens when we avoid. Eventually we drown in what has communed us. I never dreamed I'd feel this way enough to even put it out there again. The fall from the top of the highest mountain to the deepest valley is one most don't even survive. I was lucky to have even gotten there. I write this still hopeless, but having a piece of me wanting to feel hopeful again. I think that's where we begin. It pains me to write these words, but I have a team full of hope for me until I hopefully begin to feel it again myself.
Life's journey is vastly different from one person to the next, and I encourage you to stop for a moment before you go to rip apart the person next to you. You just may be their breaking point. Say a kind word instead of a hurtful one. Share a laugh instead of isolating them from the joke. Be inclusive, be considerate, and be kind. We are all healing. We are all fighting our way through. I'll be taking a step back as I try to find the fight left within me to continue on, I love you all & look forward to coming back stronger and happier than ever. All my love.
Have you looked around lately? Like, really looked. Around. At the world around you. Deeply. To answer quite frankly for myself; I haven't. I woke up today and in no other way to explain it, I wokeup. After being almost entirely dormant for a year, today I woke up and for the first time I felt that little twinge in the corner of my soul that never gives out: hope.
It's contradictory, ironic it seems. To feel like I've just been asleep in this deep dark hole for a year when so much has actually taken place. Our brains and our bodies are funny like that. They do what they need to in order to protect us until it feels we can handle even a bit of it. After a year of slumber I am awaking. A thick frost over me is beginning to fade. My paralyzed body and feelings are surfacing. I am awakening. This is the awakening.
I've seen life in its fullest form this year and I've watched the life disappear from someone I've loved most. I've witnessed the light drain from my own eyes, and my own will to live be squandered this year. I've seen people fight their toughest battles. I've felt hearts be broken, including my own. I've hurt others and others have hurt me. I've seen betrayal and I've felt relentless loyalty. I experienced so much that it was too much, but also not enough. I shut down. I shut off. & I sank into the ground awaiting my own demise.
After a promise to never give up and a fogged head start to clear, I temporarily decided to go on after almost entirely losing myself. This was a false sense of taking my life back. However, it got the ball rolling whether I genuinely wanted it to or not at the time. Fast forward a few more months of floating through life aimlessly, grief came in waves. Everyone can tell you about grief, but nobody can tell you how to grieve. This was another struggle that felt impossible. After feat upon feat I decided to give up by omission. I was opting out of this game called life. I was still frozen solid, unaffected but so affected by my world surrounding me.
Life began to feel like climbing a ladder. Though this ladder required carrying a bag along with me to the top. Problem being that once I got to the top, there was another ladder, and another, but a bigger bag to carry with each. Ladder after ladder after ladder. How many ladders do we need to climb before we reach the top again. This time it felt there was no end, no top. So I gave up.
I gave up until I didn't. And then today I woke up, but really woke up. Today I felt hopeful without it being fake for the first time in who knows how long. Today I saw a little bit of that magic, and viewed the world with a bit of color. Like I said, the awakening. This thick frost engulfs me, but I am no longer frozen solid. I am thawing, waking up, and it's time. Time to find myself again, time to heal, time to move through the excruciatingly painful waters I've been trudging about. I am aware this will be arduous work. I am prepared for the agony in the days ahead. & I am fully educated on defeat that is inevitable. I am not afraid of pain, of heartbreak. I've lived it endless times over. But here's what people forget including myself. I overcome. No matter what, no matter how long. I am both the fire breathing dragon & the fearless princess that saves herself. I am the resiliently stubborn warrior that lets nobody get in her way. I am the wolf that comes back ferociously leading the pack. I am the fire & the storm simultaneously. I am waking up, thawing. I am no longer empty, so get ready. And I will not go down without a fight. In fact, I will not go down at all. & when I falter, I'll remember all the times I've dusted myself off and gotten back up again; that's what I do. When I forget, I'll remind myself: it's a process.