Thirt-y

Daunting. Cruel. Horrible. Anxiety inducing. Thought provoking. Indecisiveness. Ambivalence. Lonely. Unloved. Unwanted. Magical. Useless. Uninspired. Jubilant. Selfish. Selfless. These are just some words and feelings I experienced the closer I go to the d-day of Thirty.
What a hard to swallow bunch of words gathered in one place; let alone attempting to understand the feelings tied to each of them with their own unique bow. Decorative of course. I remember how I spun the year of twenty-nine into this whole big era in itself capsulated within a year. Boy was in nothing I hoped for. & honestly I am to blame. I lost my fire, got it back, lost it, fanned the embers until I was just too tired to care. Depleted. Exhausted. So may months- not consecutively- I spent running on fumes. It makes me a bit sad to reflect on.
However- MRB kicked some ass this year. I made arguably the most progress in therapy in a short span of time this trip around the sun than, well, maybe, ever? Boundaries. I’m your girl. Standing my ground, 100%. Walking away from toxic relationships, people, experiences. Goodbye. I said goodbye a lot this year. And Truthfully. It. Felt. Good. Progress. Making progress felt good. And I allowed it to. I made a commitment that I was going to be intentional. So intentional that intention would become my best friend. It’s served me well. I am intentional with my time and who I allow into it. Who I share it with. There is intention down to the letter of every word in each sentence I speak or write. Intention behind the tiniest action and you can bet I am able to explain it if you asked. I’ve lost so much time, I was not about to waste more. I also decided to rid myself of judgement. Of where I ought to be in life, the stages and milestone, my looks, my job, my hobbies, what I enjoy. The weight lifted. Not always, but it’s helped. I also rid myself of that expectation. Expectations for myself and others. Doing these 3 things though seem small- they altered my life probably forever.
Now, We can be excited, woo hoo! But walking into 30 I realized it was a brand-new decade that I was leaving people behind. People who no longer walk this earth; like my grandma and dear friend Kerry- who we talked about this year for almost ten years now. It felt like I was losing the last bits of the goodness that was left. Until I stopped and realized- this is a whole new decade. Untouched, unscathed. Without people who dictated my every move for years silently. Filled with secrets and trauma & so much ugliness and sickness. I was walking into the unknown truly for the first time ever.
This decade- this is mine. To destroy, to immerse myself in. To dance around through joyfully. To fall, to stumble through, to open my heart to & love more deeply than ever before. To inevitably feel more heartbreak. To grow, to celebrate victories, to overthink the shortcomings. To do whatever the hell I want. This is my decade. I get to own Thirty. I have never been able to say this & entirely mean it. So, to my thirties. Hello, it’s me, Morgan Rae Brown. Let’s mess this up together & make it more beautiful than any other mosaic we’ve created out of any decade thus far. It’s nice to meet the real you, Morgan. The raw, authentic, ripped wide open Morgan that is finally able to show her face.
Though most days it’s still hard to breathe, I find comfort in knowing I am allowed to freely. I am learning, it’s a process,
MRB