I have not written in quite some time. At least not something I am able to share with the world. I've been waiting to type my yearly blogpost because I was waiting, hoping for some news on a current situation. However, this is moving at crawling speed on its best day. But here I am.
2019 was a big year. It was a year so full that I do not know where to start. But earlier this year I felt empty. Such a full year, yet so empty. I began the year on a high. Healthy, motivated, driven, hopeful. This year had also been a year of waiting. Waiting for what screwed up form of justice we so often seek. Waiting for closure, wandering around in attempt to find it. In the wandering I got lost. From myself. My values. My hopes and dreams. My will to live. In the waiting, I drown. I stopped swimming, I lost my fight. Almost halfway through the year I gave up officially in attempt to rid myself of the haunting and taunting pain. I do not regret it, though sometimes I wish I did. Peace. There was a moment of peace somewhere in those moments, so I cannot regret that.
This year I opened my mouth. I not only opened my mouth; I spoke. I spoke of things I never had. This is monumental. This year I stood up for myself in ways I never imagined I truly could. Not only that, but I was believed. These people know who they are and I will forever be thankful for their words, thoughts, feelings, compassion, and support. This year, this year, I think of the word justice. I had an image of it, but never felt it. & even though I still doubt it fully exists, I can see glimpses, felt a bite of it. Now, well now I crave it. Justice. A word that quite possibly held the most weight this year.
I flourished professionally this year. I entered an entirely new industry and took it by storm. The views on that differ depending on who you speak to, but I have grown immensely due to it. I've demanded to be treated fairly, taken lead in challenging situations, & thrived in directions I didn't know I wanted to go.
I loved. This year I really loved. I had my heart broken, beaten up and bruised. But I loved. I do not look at it as a relationship failure because I learned. I learned that at the end of the day I know what I deserve and I do not have to settle for less than that. I've learned to walk away from toxic people and I learned that I do not have to compromise my interests and passions for the sake of someone else's happiness or approval. I loved and I lost, but I gained so much wisdom. 2019 drove me away from my family for months, and kept others I had crossed off at bay. 2019 also taught me that it was time to allow them back in, but to maintain my boundaries. I've learned a balance and my relationships have grown with my favorite people in the world, my siblings. I have a new respect, love, and pride for them that is different than I've ever experienced.
This year I grew. After devastation and trauma I found a balance I was lacking. Things don't have to be black and white, and though I live in the grey, I found that I truly was black and white for so long due to circumstance. I cultivated and encouraged my own thoughts and feelings. I went back to my instincts and started following my gut again.
2019, you punched me square in the face. Hard. Every time I clawed my way back up, I was thrown another defeating punch. But still I rise. My soul does not know how to give up, but my head did. In great conflict, it has been exhausting. My soul is my guide and when I am conflicted soul, heart, and mind it's unbearable. In attempt to escape it, anxiety led my head and body to physically give in. The aftermath forced me to figure out multiple variables that I refused to look at. Rising again I sought out anything and everything that ignited my soul. I was back- somewhat. Gaining momentum I began to put myself out there again.
We discover who we are in times of tragedy, so they say. I'd like to meet "they" because I think they need to re-evaluate that statement. Nearly the end of 2019 I was met with the tragedy to outshine any other. I did not discover myself through it or my strength. I lost. I lost a piece of me that night. I 'd tell you I died that night if I didn't just check my pulse to make sure I am indeed alive. But to be alive doesn't mean we are living. I did not discover anything good in this. I desperately wish I could say otherwise. Trust me when I say I've tried my damndest to. I did learn that our legal system is flawed. It moves painstakingly slowly. I halts when we want it to push forward. But, here is where that word comes back. Justice. I am figuring out what that word has come to mean to me as I grow. This year is filled with yearning for justice. I can finally formulate the thought of it for more than a fleeting second. It does not feel entirely tangible but it's progress. I am currently in the present tense seeking justice for a world screeching, life changing event that deserves some form of it. I am also healing, or at least finally allowing people in so I can attempt to. I am still covered in dirt, muck, and bruises. But my heart is mending, my soul is resting, and my voice is gaining confidence.
I look back and cringe at 2019 and the promises I both quietly and verbally made to myself. I let myself down this year but I also took hold of my life again. I am relearning how to live, thrive and just be. It's grueling and tiresome, but I am finally beginning to feel rejuvenated. To the Morgan and then the MRB of 2019, I salute you. I hug you, applaud you, & say both thank you and I am sorry. She deserved so much more than she received this last year. But it's time to look forward, only turn back when it's needed.
To the 2020 MRB, I wish you well. I give you my voice and pray you continue to use it. We just got started and it's up to you to press onward. Stand back up, rise. Just be, rest when you need to. Heal, hurt, and come back again. Get off the carousel and go somewhere worth exploring. 2020 is the year of redemption, and anyone in your way doesn't stand a chance. Make this year all you want it to be.
Good-bye two thousand and nineteen, you were a tornado.
The girl on the journey to herself again.