An invisible weight.
We talk about those "aha!" moments, or moments of the clearest of clarity, eye opening, sometimes jaw dropping moments. I spoke of how often my days were filled with these seemingly one after another once they began happening. It was like once they started, a galaxy of a black hole opened up & was continuing to suck me through with realization after realization and no signs of slowing; until it did. Until it did.
I say this and I read back wondering if I depicted a positive or negative experience. To be clear, it was both. It was torturous in some, weight lifting in others. But what was important is that it was happening. I was torn wide open and knowledge, facts, truths, secrets; they all started pouring out faster than I could possibly bare. I couldn't keep up. With the feelings. The thoughts. The fear. The shame. The relief. The bone-crushing confusion. I wanted to run through the hurt, the pain and the agony. I've learned enough to know that we can try but we truthfully cannot run far or fast enough to escape anything we've processed into our heads. We can only bury a secret for so long. Nobody teaches us what to do or how to deal once we break open enough that the truths and secrets bleed out with the rest of it.
Nobody told me how to do it, they didn't want to. They all have been intent on making sure my healing and making my way through is my own. That I own my healing, I own this process because it truly is up to me to navigate my way through. They say "you've done this before." "you've come out the other side" "you're brave, strong, you'll find a way." "you'll rise as you always do." all great things and I thank everyone who has said them, but this is a different journey. This point and forward on requires a new language I've yet to speak. It demands the me that I am now, and the me that I am still approaching. It asks of me the me I have yet to become. This is where the confidence fades. This is where I am confused with my own armor, I've yet to wear it into battle. But I will find a language for this, I will speak, and I will grab this sword and helmet just incase, and I will rise.
No doubt in the work I've put in in these last months, & a recent conversation reminded me of it. There is a decision looming over my head, threatening to fall at any moment realistically soon. As I walk with my head up again, I see and appreciate the clouds, the sun and the moon. Though I see beauty again, I cannot ignore anymore that weight over my head. I see the scissors slowly gravitating toward the thin string that is the only thing holding air between it and my head.
I've had my first maybe "aha" moment since I've been home. It's safe to say many people avoid happiness because once they get it they think it'll be taken away and they'll be left devastated. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. We remain unhappy in fear of losing happiness, that we never reach it. Another is that we are too afraid of getting our heart broken that we just do not put it out there to begin with so that we cannot get hurt. Well, now you're alone and odds are feeling a different type of hurt.
Here's the thing. I do not and never have lived my life as this. I've always put my heart out there, unprotected. Because if I got hurt at least I knew I tried. I'd rather try and know than live with the what ifs and not at alls. I'm not afraid of happiness. I'm not afraid of losing something I have. Does that mean I want to though? Absolutely not.
So, In this "aha" moment, I realized that I hadn't hit a wall. I hadn't lost my way this quickly. I hadn't put walls back up. I wasn't being superficial because it was all I was capable of reaching. I wasn't avoiding in order to attempt to put off the inevitable. I wasn't losing anything I had gained. I see that weight above my head and instead of constantly acknowledging it, I decided to put it aside until I have to face it. I proactively decided to focus on the good in my life; there's so much of it. I didn't want to go down the rabbit hole, because so far every other time before, I have. This all isn't avoidance, it's growth. I had decided to appreciate the good in the moment and what is right in front of me. I am navigating my way through in a healthy & healthy-minded way. This path will look and feel different. It's okay to have both good and bad in life and live with both. It's called balance. We can have & dance in the happiness. We can have fears and anxieties about the future. We can look up and see the stars, but also that giant looming weight, and we don't have to feel it until we have to. Why add on anything until or if we have to at all?
To anyone who knows what the looming weight over my head represents knows they cannot convince me it won't fall even though they have their opinions based on facts, but that's a whole different thing! We all have that weight everyday, it just contains something different. We all handle it differently. Hell, I've handled my de-rails differently every time. The hope and the attempt is to this time be able to handle the blow in a different manner than ever before. As I've said, yes I've fought my battles. Justice in my life hasn't been delivered, but I continue to fight. One may say bravely, boldly, valiantly. Another may say stupidly, irresponsibly, carelessly. It's good thing I've been adding a new layer to my foundation each day. I also said that this will require a new language and a voice I've never used. Though it's up to me, I do not have to learn it alone. And when the weight falls, I'll handle it. Until then, but even when, I will still dance through my day, sing of my joys, and laugh with life as each day on the calendar turns. It's a process.
a double valentine
I try not to get too personal, but hey, we've already been doing that lately anyhow. We all know I am all about self-love & self kindness, even if I'm not following it. Valentine's Day. Yes, that dreadful day for all singles and the ones who haven't defined their relationship status. For a couple years now I have made it known that I am my own valentine. This year was no different, but another person decided to ask to be added to that list.
See, I didn't seek out outside companionship once I got healthy again. I quite frankly swore off it and went out of my way to rid myself of the ones that could jeopardize my newly regained stable foundation. I believe that this is the most exciting part, he just happened to come along so seamlessly. Now, life doesn't typically go as we plan it, especially love and relationships. We cannot mark our calendars and say on this day in exactly two years, four months, and three days, I will be ready to fall in love, and the right person will walk through that door. Come on, people.
Now here is where I say this: if I described all of my own self-love and acceptance and the ideals, I could literally be describing him as well. This is why I had a double valentine. What I expect when I am clear headed, healthy and healthy-minded, he offers what I would normally give to myself. Never in my life has this lined up and presented itself to me in this way. I will be the first to admit that I am like a rubik's cube, I am not an easy read, and I am not "typical" especially in relationships. This makes things quite difficult for the wrong person. Key- wrong.
Never in life has someone called me annoying in a way that brings a smile to my face & turns it into a term of endearment- most of the time. Never has someone taken the struggles I've faced and accepted them with patience, love, and understanding. Never has someone looked at me so gently & tenderly, but then make me laugh in the following two seconds. To my other valentine, you make my heart skip a beat. You add to my happiness, and you feel my sadness. You encourage all my passions, laugh at my song choices & watch me jam in the car as I sing along to songs you haven't heard in decades. You look at me and you see me. And I mean really see me. You somehow came into my life like a tornado and a calming presence simultaneously. You see life in color as vividly as I do, and you've grabbed a paintbrush to aide in spreading the color in such a delicate and intricate way that allows me to both continue my own portrait, and begin ours. You let me feel weak with you, and you give yourself to me in a way that allows me to be the rock at times, too. You let yourself be important to me, but make sure I am important to myself, too. You are everything and then some. I've never talked to someone so frequently, felt entirely comfortable to take a leap, & know I will be safe. You also drive me crazy, are the most handsome man I've laid my eyes on, and "help" me notice all my weird quirks and repetitive sayings (still figuring out if that's a good thing!). Through you, I learn more about me. Being with you doesn't take away from me, it adds more to who I am and who I think I always was or wanted to be.
On this current journey of self discovery, there is nobody I would rather walk it with. Here's to you, to me, and to us. You're going to hate that I wrote this, but this is a gift, remember that it's rude not to accept it ;). I will never stop taking random photos of you and stopping mid-sentence to tell you how attractive you are, stealing your clothes and then giving them back because I'd rather see you in them than wear them myself, & narrating all videos as if I am your own personal paparazzi. You are special every moment of everyday, even the hard ones.
Not just Valentine's Day, you sexy hunk of man,
A conversation the other day sparked quite a few shifts in what has been my current way of thinking. When we feel we are not living up to the potential we know deep down that we have, we become down, angry, confused, and even project that onto others surrounding us. This wise person reminded me that we get so caught up in all the things that aren't happening that we forget to look at what is happening entirely. This really resonated with me.
I look around and I can see that my life is empty of an awful lot of what I want. I look around again and I see that my life has an abundance of things I've always wanted. These are the two ways we can approach each and every day. Whichever one we choose sets the tone for the day. Now, I can list my jobs, my relationships, all of the tangible itemized "good" in my life. But what I really care about now are the feelings I possess. To feel happy, even for a fleeting breath, is success. To feel elated is a gift. To feel anything at all, positive, negative, and neutral are all successes.
My life is ever evolving. Ah, I love that. My life. And that is what it finally is. Mine. This is more than anything in the world. My life at 26 years old is finally my own; and isn't that something? It's almost as if there is a birthing; a rebirth, perhaps? I am building and rebuilding, I am healing and cleaning out wounds. I am exhausted and energized. I am, simply. And that is more than I have been.
As my life continues to become more "mine", I will only persist & keep on. I will not quit as I construct my empire. I will wake each and every day and count my blessings as I always do; and then I will count my current success. Life is good, even when it's not. It's so, awe-strikingly good.