Today was a day. Today is January 3rd, 2019. On this day I was reminded of the fact that it is seven months exactly since my favorite human being turned into an angel. On days like these I have typically been incredibly sad. Today though, while feeling sad grieving the loss of a life, today I both grieve and celebrate multiple losses and gains. Today... was a day.
For the past two and a half months I have been committed to fighting for myself and for my life, whatever that may be. In these last two months I have felt every emotion on the spectrum. Three months ago I was lifeless. I was in a space of grey, which for me is worse than darkness if you can imagine. I was barely hanging on in every form of being. Then something happened and I decided to fight in honor of the person whom I had been fighting with and for until they lost their own battle. I had made a promise, and those I will always keep. I fought against the help at first after I accepted it. I battled back and forth within my own mind and heart trying to figure out what was reality and what was conditioned in me. I made a fool of myself, I cried until I thought I'd literally die, and I shut down from all emotion. You name it, I thought or felt it. This didn't make it easy for people to help me, but I am so grateful that this time, nobody gave up on me.
It's hard to face people who believe in you and have seen what you can achieve and conquer when you feel like humpy dumpy after falling off that damn wall. It's difficult to wake up in the morning wishing you hadn't and then having to fight for your health throughout the day. It's unbearable to look people in the eye and tell them that the color and magic you see and feel typically has dissipated into dust. It's even more difficult to push through the day having to hear that they believe you'll come out of it when with almost every ounce of your being you don't believe it.
Notice something? I said almost. Almost. If you read my awakening blog post you'll know the day I am referring to, but something changed. Me. That tiny ounce of my being began to fight back. It started to remind me of why I was fighting in the first place and brought me back to so many years ago when this journey began. I was lost; some days I still am. I was in a place where I first uncovered my gifts and hopes and dreams, why couldn't I again? I've fallen, I rise. I've stumbled, I rise. I get beaten down, I rise. If I can do that over and over, why couldn't I take a leap and fully attempt to try to discover myself again? I've lost so much, if I failed again I knew it wouldn't kill me.
So that's what I did and am going to continue to do. I am on a journey of both re-discovery & self discovery. I've had breakthrough moments. I've had those "AHA!" moments. I've experienced tough moments that I knew I'd later look back on and appreciate. In this exploration, I found my greatest asset of all time that I missed. Hope. Having hope for me is like having a superpower. With hope, I am superwoman warrior goddess ready to take on the world. This time I will- on my own terms. This time I get to guide the ship and I get to feel no guilt in the direction I choose. This is what it feels like to be free, huh? Wow, it's about time.
I'm not so much as closing a door or a chapter in my life as much as I am simply saying thank you and walking forward. I said good-bye to this place time ago just very quietly. I know, not my style. Which is why most aren't aware of those feelings. However, this time I am saying both thank you and good-bye to people inside of a place. Realistically I know that they are always going to be in my heart and my head-I have learned endless tools I apply daily- but this time is different. This time I am different. This time there is no consistent continuation afterward. While that makes me sad and in a sense I have to grieve those losses, it means I am ready. I am ready, capable, and able to do this. Today a person that I respect more than anyone and shares the same language and love of quotes as I do began to read quotes to me before the typical speech that is given. I look forward to anytime they give me quotes because they reach my soul and connect to something far beyond the surface, so I was definitely excited. After she was possibly only three words into the first one, my eyes filled with tears. I instantly recognized the words from somewhere far too familiar. These words belonged to me. These quotes were mine. As I listened to her read them I cried. I was both in awe and so honored. My words filled the room not because I was speaking, but from someone else. I cannot begin to explain how that feels. It's ineffable. I was reminded of my worth and my progress, my strength and resilience. I was told I am the one thing I never thought I'd be again. Inspiring. Talk about a good day.
What I want to end on is this: to those who have been there, to those that have encouraged me, sat with me, challenged me, & have never left my side along this journey; I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my thawing and healing heart. I thank you from the depths of my soul that is beginning to sing again. I thank you with every ounce of my being and then I thank you again. Thank you feels almost like an insult but that along with gratitude is what I have to give. To those who have heard me, believed me and in me, my God do I thank you. To the ones who have reminded me of who I am when I lost myself, thank you. To those of you who saw my darkness, sat with me in it and then got up and grabbed my hand to help me out of it, I thank you eternally. You all deserve to be celebrated. And I do and I will. Celebrate and appreciate you always. As I reflect more I realize that maybe this really isn't a good-bye, it's more of a distant hello to come. I've had enough good-byes with people that are and were good for me, and too many toxic people kept inside my circle. So instead, I'll say hello sometime in the future; when I am ready. Ready to show you what I've become, what I've achieved and how I achieved it. When I am more of me than you've yet to see. I will come back and wave hello and greet you with the most genuine smile you'll have seen on my face. I'll have more heartache to share I'm sure, but that's okay. I'll have fought more battles but I'll have won. I'll tell you about them differently than we've ever spoken. Life will be good, I know it. So until then, I thank you from right here. I'll reach you through my words and I'll share my life through these stories and truths. Life is not black or white. It's not just hello's or good-bye's. There's a balance and I will find it. One day we will say hello again, and that will be a day. Just like today. Today was a day, a really special and magical day.
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